Thank you, Kevin Assam and the Florida Weekly, for the opportunity. It was a fun interview!
And a warm thanks to my friends for all your support. I got nuthin’ but love for ya. Have a fab weekend!
LOCAL FOCUS | Key West Florida Weekly
Actor Susannah Wells is squashing female guilt and considering LASIK for a post-apocalyptic future
August 14, 2019 | BY KEVIN ASSAM
Bangs are in and so are guinea pigs! At least the consenting human kind. Susannah Wells is the tap dancing actor who lives for her reenactment and comedic performances. The host of “Sus On the Street” also works with Wonderdog Studios and co-created The Guinea Pig Girls Podcast alongside Kristen Michelle. Let’s see how well Sus can tap dance her way out of questions concerning her portrayal of a likely murderous sociopathic girlfriend, her fixation on post-apocalyptic works, and what advice she has for the 2020 presidential candidates.
Kevin Assam: Is the fastest way to strip almost anything of its value to make it free?
Susannah Wells: That’s a tough philosophical question. Is there no value in time, effort and other resources spent creating a product or service? You don’t get something for nothing. There will always be a price. Be it trade or currency.
Susannah Wells stays sunny at the 2017 Papio Kinetic Sculpture Parade. PHOTO BY WONDERDOG STUDIOS
KA: What post-apocalyptic works of fiction keep you up at night?
SW: “The Hunger Games,” “The Road,” “Cat’s Cradle,” “The World Without Us,” “Dawn of the Dead,” “Shaun of the Dead,” “Bird Box,” much of “The Twilight Zone” and even “Waterworld” make me appreciate gentle friendships with quality people. I think about how money would be replaced with things like toilet paper and water and how my poor eyesight would be a great inconvenience. Contacts and eyeglasses are temporary luxuries. I’m considering LASIK for my post-apocalyptic future.
KA: Do you think of your own usefulness in a future dystopia? Where executives are worth less than anyone able to forage a decent meal?
SW: Completely! I look at my man Jack (McDonald) and he’s basically MacGyver, fashioning tourniquets out of dental floss and chewing gum. If I can’t be MacGyver, I can be strong enough to wield a knife, limber enough to hide from predators, calm in the face of distress and willing to rise to the challenge. I should gear up for a ropes course, but I haven’t begun my training. I’ll be asking for a bug-out bag for Christmas.
KA: Tell me about those times you’ve been forced to wield a kitchen knife by yourself here on the island.
SW: I have exactly three kitchen knives, all in varying shapes and sizes. I can’t remember a time when I had more than three. There’s only one sharp enough to do any real damage. Veggies, dairy and salami, look out!
KA: Does a limited kitchen arsenal make you a progressive warrior forcing hetero men to fend for their own stomachs?
SW: It’s not a strategy. Honest! Food is sustenance. The only true pleasure I receive from a meal is when it’s made for me. I’ve been known to assemble yummy flavors for myself — when my life depended on it. Thankfully, my significant other loves to cook well. Right now, he’s cooking the ingredients that I’ve purchased. Later, I have the great privilege of cleaning up the kitchen.
KA: Significant other is a modest term. Do you support the use of more ostentatious words like “boots knocker,” “hair puller” and “pillow chewer?”
SW: Ah, I miss wearing boots. “Flip flop knocker” doesn’t have the same ring to it. I’ll take all the sexy terms. Heaven forbid I’m ever anyone’s “old lady.” That’s grounds for dismissal! Sometimes I struggle with what to call Jack in formal introductions. If “significant other” is modest, “lover” is too bold. “Manfriend” may cause confusion and so might “partner.” “Boyfriend” feels juvenile at times, but it’s my go-to. “Male companion?”
KA: Did you bring your boots with you when you first came too Key West? What was left behind?
SW: I brought all my vintage boots I had for over 20 years. One of my first heartbreaking lessons — leather and Key West do not mix. I still have most of them. August 2012 started my battle with mold and mildew. Prior to Key West, I lived in Washington, D.C. After eight years, I wanted to shake things up. One of my childhood friends lives in Key West and after a summer visit, she encouraged me to move. I felt the magic. Stars aligned and all that. Seven years later, does that make me a “Fresh Water Conch?” After spending eight years in west Texas, 15 years in Oklahoma, and now Florida, Key West seems unique.
KA: It would. You left D.C. during what would now be considered a period of relative political stability. Do you feel better off now with such a seismic shakeup of are we closer to the plots of your apocalyptic novels?
SW: “Relative political stability,” like that. I can be more out of touch down here if I wanted to be. Maintaining a blissful, idyllic state. Although our nation is no stranger to dark days, I feel closer to starring in a real-life apocalyptic plot line than I did seven years ago.
KA: Your standout performance was the possibly murderous lead in Investigation Discovery’s “Nightmare Next Door.” Were you even acting or are you secretly an evidence-torching jealous girlfriend?
SW: With tongue in cheek and a wink, I call myself a star of reenactment television. I was happy to do a few similar projects with that production company. Now, I have yet to identify as a woman scorned. I’ve neither torched evidence nor conspired to murder. All appendages remained intact. A femme fatale role is a fun one (laughs maniacally with evil grin).
KA: You had a cult following for your local girl on the street program, “Sus On the Street.” Your most popular segment featured Finnegan’s Wake. What were some of your more Irish moments there?
SW: That night at Finnegan’s, I ate potatoes, drank a pint of Guinness, played a tin whistle, danced a jig and sang “Whiskey in the Jar.” If it weren’t for the absences of hurling and sheep shearing, my night would’ve been complete.
KA: What made you take a step back from your television hosting career? Addiction? Children?
SW: “Come rain, come shine, come snow, come sleet, the show must go on!” There was a hiatus. Thankfully, I’ve been able to continue “Sus On the Street” over the last couple of years during Fantasy Fest. I welcome more opportunities! Perhaps that’s a reason my friend Kristen Michelle and I co-created The Guinea Pig Girls podcast. A trial and error format, we try new things, mixing in historical facts and humor. We produce, host and edit. One day, having a production team would be a dream! Just got to put that out into the ether.
KA: You and your man are well-connected here by virtue of your professions and familial ties. It has to feel nice having the doors greased just a little bit. How critical are connections in Key West art and showbiz?
Young Susannah Wells hamming it up at her childhood home in Texas. COURTESY PHOTO
SW: At first, I knew no one here in the theater arts community. I attended any available audition armed with my 8 by-10 headshot and resume. I’m grateful the arts community was welcoming. A couple years later, I met Jack and it’s wonderful to be in a relationship with someone who shares an appreciation for the arts. The Key West arts scene will continue to change. My advice to aspiring actors would be to take classes, audition, be flexible with the work, audition, don’t be afraid to play or find humor, audition and be respectful and kind to everyone.
KA: Surely, you’ve name dropped to get a custom order at Sinz or tickets to a sold out Red Barn production, right?
SW: I have a difficult time when a good friend wants to pick up lunch! Not even sure whose name I’d use, exactly. Occasionally, I’ve received a mass email sent to local thespians offering discounted tickets to a particular night of a show. I certainly don’t have any expectations. I’m trying to imagine name dropping working in Key West. It’s just not the world I live in.
KA: If the Key West housing crisis was personified in a play, what would it look and sound like?
SW: I hope there would be a dialogue. And not some hideous behemoth character bulldozing a pipsqueak. A character like the Key West Housing Crisis might make people feel uncomfortable. It could be nude. Nudity is both vulnerable and powerful. The character would definitely break the fourth wall. Maybe even sit on a few laps.
KA: What’s a pseudo-secret spot you recommend to go enjoy a bowl of cereal on my own?
SW: Pack your favorite cereal, trusty bowl and milk preference. Head down to Truman Waterfront Park, find an empty bench on the quay and enjoy your picnic watching the water and or sunset.
KA: Is the country ready for a female commander-in-chief after the slim defeat of Secretary Clinton in 2016?
SW: I sure as heck hope so! I’ve been wrong before.
KA: What are the “performing” tips you would provide to presidential candidates to maximize communication on stage?
SW: Diaphragmatic breathing would aid in relaxation, vocal quality and projection. It may enhance the sustainability of numerous generic and evasive responses.
KA: Was Cate Blanchett right when she explained that one should always do one’s own laundry to maintain honesty?
SW: Sure! I would add that it also helps to maintain privacy.
KA: Have you had any outsourced laundry incidents in Key West or are you blessed with an onsite washer?
SW: I dream of an onsite washer and dryer! I’m lucky to have friends that don’t mind me hanging around their large appliances. Alternatively, I visit my neighborhood laundromat.
KA: Does Fantasy Fest need to be sanitized? Is there a place for the seediness?
SW: Fantasy Fest and how it should be run can be a hot button topic. People feel very connected to the event, perhaps having been around since its inception. Some would say the seediness is part of its charm! I can’t presume to know what’s best since I still feel like a Key West newbie. I participate to my interest level and avoid the rest. I’m not too keen on nightlife.
KA: How do you deal with Catholic guilt?
SW: Too busy squashing female guilt. Got no room for Catholic guilt.
KA: What will you dream of tonight into the morning?
SW: Tonight, as I dream, ethereal whispers will attempt to influence my future endeavors.
KA: Will you hold Jack tight and promise him a better tomorrow?
Susannah: You know it! Just like Scarlett in Gone with The Wind, “… tomorrow is another day.”
To see Susannah’s past and upcoming work, visit SusannahWells.com.
